I had just come out of a discussion of Psalm 142, where we had looked at some of the lies David was tempted to believe and his steadfast clinging to the truth that he knew God was with him and for him. The thing that had impressed me about it is that David approached God as he was, with all his frustration and exhaustion. He did not have to pretend to be "orthodox" today. I put this all out of my mind and went to the gym.
So here I am, hollering like I live in the hills and have to get the word of the wild fire to the next ridge by force of volume... The family did what came naturally and treated me like the embarrassment that I was. It worked. I had to ponder why I did what I did. I don't like feeling like the regional distributor for disarray,disorganization and disrespect. I want to go find a couple of people and explain why I did what I did. That is pride. I want my family to do what I want them to do, and I want everyone around me think I am better than I am. I am pretending to be what I think I ought to be. I am no better than the loud mouth in the gym. David didn't do that. He was straightforward with God about the content of his heart and mind. He wasn't embarrassed to be found human. He acknowledged the bad and answered it with the powerful truth of Who God Is.
What does this have to do with adoption? Plenty. Someone approached me privately with their concerns about how I would handle adding more to my plate. Had I thought about all of this? To be sure. I had already argued with God. I told Him about all the things in my life that I think take up too much of my heart, mind and life. Wouldn't He rather give this child a home that was like The Cosby Show(good looking and no difficulties lasting more than 22 minutes plus commercials)? In the silence of my heart, I thought of these things first and still do every time one of us is less than Vanessa Huxtable in our adherence to the "together". God does not call me to be complete first. He called me to be real and answer every weakness with the truth, that He is my strength.
Yes, I yelled. Yes, I am an organizational Fred Sanford. He is God. He is aware of my humanness. He does not rescind His promises as a penalty for weakness . He knows my frazzled undoneness and it doesn't worry Him. He is using it to grow me and glorify Himself. He is more passionate about my children, here and in China, than I am. I can do no better than to follow Him even when I don't understand why He would call a loud mouth.