Because there are a lot of kinds of waiting...
The events of the past couple of weeks have left me shaken and weak. I have only one friend who knows about one of the events and only Mr S. knows about the second.
I am poised to be in awe of the power of God, but I am too impatient and short of attention to wait patiently for all that will happen.
I was blessed to have a conversation with another adoptive mom who referred to having to turn off a certain part of your emotions or the emotional roller coaster would make you throw up(not exactly her words). I'm not really all that good at that, but I have reached the point that the cute and sweet of this psychological pregnancy is gone. This is transition. I am scared. It hurts and I need a doula to protect the memory. There is no doula in adoption. Except me.
As I said...He has included me in the magnitude of what He is doing. I didn't ask for it. And I am not sure I am equal to it or worthy of it. He has brought us this far. Do I have to listen really hard, and hold my mouth right, and guess which direction to go and then leap into the darkness? Is that who He is? Will it be today? Will it be tomorrow? Will we do a certain number of things or a certain combination of things and they will unlock the gates of heaven?
Or am I to be still and know He will do it correctly? I want the truth to come out. I want the fellowship of victory. I have tried to move things in so many different ways and I cannot until it is time for them to move and then they move.
I want to invite my friends and family in to know what it is all about. It isn't time. There is a feast of celebration planned. When we have rested from this labor. In the short term and in the long term.
In the words of that great theologian, Tom Petty... the waiting is the hardest part.
Mom tip: it is more and more like labor. It hurts and the proof of motherhood is whose blood, sweat, and tears are left on the sheets. The one dreaming of the feast is the one who can't really be fed until it is over. My food is to finish. I hear the cries of others in the hallway. They are nothing to me. When we get home will be the feast.
If you are invited; take your seat.
If you are watching; rejoice.
If you are frightened; you are chosen.
If you are waiting
...plan your feast.